Alto had been out of sorts ever since his riding lesson ended. I knew when this had started, but not why, exactly. I’d told Sophia not to worry and said he’d be fine, but honestly, I wasn’t so sure about that.
I could ignore it if he was just tired. That’s what I’d been hoping it was, anyway, so I hadn’t brought it up to Setsuna the night before. But come morning, as I saw Alto chatting with him at the breakfast table, I realized something was still off.
I knew I wasn’t just imagining it, either. Setsuna smiled and nodded along as Alto chatted away, but behind his calm visage, I could tell he was carefully observing the young boy.
“I wanted to ride more,” Alto muttered.
“Should we get a horse for you next time we go out on a quest?” Setsuna suggested.
“Um, I… I wanna practice more…” Alto looked away as he answered softly. “I can’t ride by myself very well yet.”
“Okay. Well, how about once the monster hunt quests settle down, I’ll ask if we can borrow a horse for you to practice on?”
“Yeah,” Alto agreed happily. “I gotta get better. A lot better.” On the surface, it sounded like an ordinary conversation, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right. Just the other day, Alto had been glowing with confidence, proud that he could ride on his own now.
So what had changed?
Setsuna must’ve sensed something, too, because he kept his thoughtful gaze on Alto.
Later that morning, once the chores were done and I’d finally sat down to rest, I heard the sound of a carriage stopping outside. Curious, I went to see who it was and saw Norris, Elly, and Sophia all standing at the door. They’d come together to see us.
Our guests brought a bouquet of flowers and some sweets, which I accepted as I invited them inside.
The house sure had seen a lot of visitors lately. And to my own surprise, I hadn’t found it bothersome at all. In fact, it made me realize that people really could change, even at my old age.
Alto was caught off guard by our guests, but before long, he was chattering away and telling Norris and Elly all about his riding lessons. They praised him for learning to ride, and Alto thanked them, but something about him seemed different.
Elly noticed it too, and she gently started asking Alto about it. Finally, he said, “I’m just sad I can’t ride anymore.”
She tried to comfort him, but I knew that wasn’t really the reason why he was sad.
Sophia glanced over at me. I met her eyes and smiled, silently reassuring her not to worry. She must’ve been concerned about his behavior from the day before and come to check on him. She really was such a kind girl.
Alto was just as quiet and glum when the time came for them to leave. Maybe that was why they promised to come again the next day. He watched them go, looking strangely sad, then shut himself in his room, saying that he was going to study.
What’s been bothering him, then?
I tried to remember exactly what happened when Georges had praised Alto.
What was it he said? Oh, that’s right…
“You could be a great knight. You’re already skilled enough to be on your own, at least when it comes to riding.”
It was just a kind, offhand compliment. But something about it must’ve stuck with Alto.
A great knight…skilled enough to be on your own…
I turned it over and over again in my mind until it finally clicked.
Ah, now the conversation with Setsuna this morning makes sense.
My heart ached when I thought about the secret Alto had been carrying around. I let out a deep sigh, trying to release some of the heaviness inside of me and decided to talk to Setsuna about it later tonight.
Once Alto had gone to bed, I found a quiet moment to talk with Setsuna. He placed a cup of tea on the table instead of his usual drink, then sat down on the sofa with a knowing look.
“This is about Alto, isn’t it?”
I nodded and explained everything that happened the day before, including the moment I believed had made Alto so sad. Once I was finished, Setsuna let out a slow, deep sigh.
“There have been a few times these past few days when Alto’s suddenly looked away from me in the middle of a conversation. There was a guilty look in his eyes, even when he was smiling and talking like normal. I haven’t seen him make a face like that in a long time.” Setsuna took a sip of tea before continuing. “I’ve been trying to figure out what was wrong with him, but after hearing your explanation, it all makes sense.”
“Do you mind telling me what you’re thinking?” I asked. I assumed we’d both come to the same conclusion, but I wanted to hear it in his own words.
“Well, it’s been four months since Alto became my apprentice. When we first met, he couldn’t read or write. Even talking was a struggle. Now he can read books appropriate for his own age.”
“That’s true.”
“But sometimes, even after all this time, he has trouble expressing his feelings when something’s bothering him.”
“Yes, I’ve noticed that.”
My own son had gradually begun to express himself more clearly as he got older, but Alto still seemed to struggle with it. His memory was outstanding, and he picked things up astonishingly quickly, but sometimes his sentences became halting or he withdrew, just like he had the day we first met.
Sometimes I wondered if maybe he could express his feelings normally. If I was wrong about that, though, it would end up hurting his feelings, so I’d never brought it up.
“I think Alto can express himself properly now. And that he’s realized he can describe how he’s feeling,” Setsuna said.
“I agree.”
“At first, I assumed it was just a habit, that Alto would express his feelings as he came to trust me. I thought once he discovered how much more clearly he could share his thoughts that it would naturally happen…but it didn’t.”
“…”
“That’s when I realized he’s choosing not to share his feelings on purpose, and I couldn’t figure out why.”
“…”
“But now I understand: He’s afraid. Afraid of being seen as a grown-up…of being recognized as capable and independent enough to survive on his own.”
Ah, so we have come to the same conclusion.
“Yeah,” I agreed. “He enjoys growing up, but he’s scared of being treated like an independent adult.”
“I don’t plan to stop being his mentor as long as that’s what he wants,” Setsuna said.
I could tell he meant that. Maybe he was already thinking ahead to the day Alto would eventually leave the nest. Personally, I wasn’t so sure that day would ever come. If I had to say, I’d guess the two of them would still travel together for a long time, but I kept that to myself.
“Alto didn’t tell me he was praised by Sophia and Georges,” he said.
“Well, ‘you’re good enough to be on your own’ was probably the last thing he wanted to hear.”
That must’ve been why Alto insisted he needed more practice when Setsuna asked if he wanted to take a horse on their next quest. He wanted to make it clear he wasn’t ready yet to ride on his own.
“So what will you do?” I asked. “It’s easy enough to lift that burden from his heart, but how do you want to deal with it, Setsuna?”
He placed a hand over his mouth thoughtfully, his gaze cast downward. After a pause, he finally spoke, his words slow and careful.
“I want him to find the courage to face the fear of losing me and take that first step on his own.”
It was just as I’d imagined. He wasn’t only thinking about Alto improving his skills; he wanted him to grow emotionally as well.
The ability to stand tall and overcome hardships on your own was something you needed to be able to survive. Setsuna understood that. That was why he’d resolved to watch and wait to see how things played out, even if it went against what his heart told him.
“I agree with your thinking, Setsuna. Let’s wait until Alto’s ready to take that next step on his own.”
“Thank you. Honestly, I’ve already told him over and over again that I’ll never leave him, so it’s really not anything to seriously worry about,” Setsuna said with a wry smile.