Chapter 105

Chapter Intermission The Rampaging Sage God, the Undefeated (One Draw) God, and the Big Dumb Dummy Gods’ Games We Play According to tradition, the Sacred Spring City of Mal-ra was protected by the spirit Undine. Indeed, it was known as a rich source of water—despite being in the middle of what was known as the vast dry zone. A river ran through the town, its clear water sparkling in the light of the sun. “………” On the riverbank, Dax sat silently with his arms crossed and his eyes closed. He had spent five hours under the blazing sun. Behind him, dozens of female fans—the so-called Dax Girls—were busy squealing and taking photos. “Where are they?!” After five solid hours of waiting, Dax’s eyes snapped open. He had reached the limit of his patience. “Fay! You said that a god would pass through here, so I should be here to take them on. But when is this Giant God Titan of yours coming?!” At just that moment, the communication device in Dax’s pocket made a noise. “Kelritch? What’s going on?” “You seem to have missed each other. There’s a woman over here claiming to be the Giant God Titan…” “Say what?! I’ve been waiting at the gate since the crack of dawn! Although I did, admittedly, take an hour off to film Dax’s Lunch.” “I suspect that’s when it happened. Anyway, you missed each other.” On the other end of the communications line, Dax could hear a tremendous commotion. Kelritch was at the Arcane Court building—and based on the sheer amount of noise behind her, Dax suspected a god really had dropped in. “I’ll be right there. Don’t move until I get back, Kelritch!” “I’ll be having lunch myself while I wait. See you soon.” Dax rushed over to the Arcane Court Mal-ra branch office, where he found Kelritch eating her lunch and Chief Secretary Baleggar looking less than pleased behind his sunglasses. “Welcome back, Dax,” said Kelritch. “Looks like you nearly missed her,” said the chief secretary. He also saw a divine gate…which had practically been reduced to powder. “I’m sorry, what?” Dax asked. Mal-ra’s divine gates were statues in the shape of the spirit Undine, but one of the four had been smashed so badly it was nearly impossible to tell what it once depicted. Their divine gate, a precious image of the city’s protector, had been cruelly destroyed. “Kelritch! And Chief Secretary! What in the world happened while I was away?” “She happened,” said Kelritch. “The culprit is right over there,” Baleggar told him. “…Huh?” The two of them gestured with their chins, and Dax looked over to see a large woman lying on the floor, covered in bits and pieces of the shattered gate. Her most striking feature was her hair, which was the color of lava. She wore a kimono—unusual attire in Mal-ra—and appeared to have turned over several times where she was lying, so her robe was spread open at the chest provocatively. “Urgh…,” the woman groaned piteously. In her hand was a can of beer. On closer inspection, several more cans lay scattered on the floor around her. “It’s so strange,” the woman was mumbling. “Uroboros said it was this…‘cider’ drink…that would have bubbles in it… So why does my head hurt?” “She appears to be drunk,” Baleggar said from behind Dax, sighing in disbelief. “Mistress Titan.” “…Yeeeaaah?” the woman drawled. “What you drank was beer, my lady, not cider.” “What?!” “Then you got drunk and smashed a divine gate. God or not, property damage is a crime.” “Urgh… I’m sorry… I’ll fix the statue…” Titan rolled over and heaved herself up—or at least tried to. She pitched forward and had to catch herself with a hand on the wall. “I feel like I’m gonna retch…” “The alcohol’s coming back up?” “No… Magma.” Everyone in the room froze. “Hrk! I feel like I’ve got a whole volcano that wants to come out…” The entire room was immediately in an uproar. “No, wait! Please!” “Somebody! Get some water for Mistress Titan!” “Bring a hangover cure from the medical office! She’ll destroy this whole city!” People raced for the emergency exit. Meanwhile, Titan had slid to the floor again and was somehow looking pale. “Kelritch. Send a message to Fay,” Dax said, turning on his heel. “No god ever came here. Just some drunk.” “He’s not at the Ruin branch office. I think he said he was going to pay a visit to headquarters,” Kelritch replied. “He said what?” Dax stopped and thought. Then his eyes started to gleam as an unsettling smile crept across his face. “Very interesting! Oh, Fay, I’m looking forward to this!” At the same moment, far, far away from the Sacred Spring City of Mal-ra… Not physically far, but dimensionally—as far as the gulf between the human world and Elements, the superior spiritual realm. In the divine maze of Lucemia. Deep in the heart of the maze, once the host of unprecedented abductions of apostles, stood an arena designed for the challenge against the last boss—the god. And there… “It is I!” A vivacious and, indeed, adorable voice echoed throughout the coliseum. A young woman skipped into the arena wearing a swimsuit with the word UNDEFEATED emblazoned across the chest—the Endless God Uroboros. “Mine undefeated self has come to play!” “………” But other than Uroboros’s cheerful shout, the coliseum was deathly quiet. Normally, the last boss would be waiting there, but all Uroboros saw was a two-meter-tall pyramid. It was the tomb of Anubis, God of the Underworld. She peered closely at it. “Hellooo? Did you hear me? Mineself is here! Mine immensely popular self has come to see you!” “………” The tomb was silent. And of course it was. The whole premise of the game was that Anubis was supposed to be dead. Only after players had cleared every trick and explored every corner of the maze, unlocking 100 percent of the map, would she be resurrected. If one desired an audience with the last boss, one must first challenge the sprawling— “Get out here, you big, dumb dummy!” “Where do you get off calling me a dummyyyyy?!” There was an explosion. The top of the pyramid—frozen in silence until that moment—burst off like a volcanic eruption and flew into the air as a god with tan skin emerged from within. “Here I am having a nice nap in my tomb, and you go around stomping and yelling!” The god held a yellow- and black-striped staff, and her blue hair was covered by a gold mesh. She landed on the highest level of the coliseum. “I am the god of this maze and the last boss, God of the Underworld—” “Boring! Who cares?” “I care!” Anubis, who had really been getting into it, shook her head furiously. Then she gave Uroboros a hard look, studying her from her head to her toes. “Why are you in a swimsuit?” “That’s what I’m here to talk to you about!” “Oh?” “Give me a medicine that will make my chest bigger!” Uroboros, who had placed her hands on her hips, now thrust out one hand, like a child begging her mommy for sweets. “I can grow endlessly, but waiting for a body to grow naturally takes time. I want to settle things now! This maze has all sorts of fun items. It must have a potion or two that can help me out.” “Yeah, no. No, it doesn’t.” “………” The maze was silent once again. Uroboros stood frozen with her hand out, while behind her the brown-furred creatures called Puffballs came and went without a care in the world. “What do you mean, no?! You must have something! Mine intuition tells me so!” said Uroboros, undeterred. “Come! I offer you an autograph—a signature written in mine own hand! Let’s trade!” “If I don’t have it, I don’t have it! I can’t— No! Hold on a moment!” Anubis’s eyes opened wide; she turned slightly away from Uroboros, then scrabbled with something at her chest with both hands. “Let’s see… This size should be just about perfect… Hrm! Hey, don’t run away!” “What are you doing?” “There! Ready!” Anubis announced, spinning back around. She placed her hands on her hips and stood tall as if to emphasize her own chest. “Behold!” “Ohhh?!” Uroboros observed with intense interest—for Anubis’s chest was suddenly a good two sizes more ample than it had been before. It practically looked ready to pop out of the black slip she was wearing. “Yes! That’s it! That’s what I wanted! How did you do it?!” “Heh-heh-heh! Like this!” Anubis pulled at the neckline of her clothing. She was wearing what amounted to a tank top, and the moment she tugged on it, something brown and fluffy came popping out. “Puuuff!” “Y-you used Puffballs?!” Uroboros looked stupefied as the little monsters flew through the air. Indeed. Anubis’s solution had been to stuff Puffballs into her shirt. “And that makes your chest look bigger on the spot!” “Oooooh!” “And that’s not all! If you want to further increase the swell, you can tuck this apple in there, too!” “Whoooaaa!” It was one of the most famous fruits in Lucemia, the killer apple. They looked crisp and delicious, but they were one of the maze’s most dastardly traps. At several points they had stood in the way of players (mostly Pearl) who sought to clear the maze—Uroboros remembered well how they had ushered the players to a respawn in a spray of blood. “I knew it. You are a dummy.”