I crawled into bed, pulled the covers over my head, and pressed my hands to my burning cheeks. Then I put a finger to my mouth and traced my lips.
We…kissed.
It was mere coincidence that I spotted the candle as I was walking around the sales floor.
The plastic lantern shaped like a pumpkin was on display in the special Halloween section.
It was identical to the candle Mom bought me for Halloween when I was in elementary school. The size, the color of the pumpkin, the look of the face—everything was the same.
However, the one that Mom bought had a candle inside that needed to be lit, while this one was a newfangled LED light.
I debated whether I should buy it, and in the end, I decided to get it just as I was leaving.
Asamura and I headed home after our shift was over. We were stunned when we walked out of the building. The streets were full of people in costume, and we were shoved into those around us. Bumping into someone seemed inevitable.
Sure enough, someone ran into me, and I lost my balance. If Asamura hadn’t caught me, I might have fallen.
I squeezed the hand he held out, and from there, we walked home hand in hand. That alone made my heart beat faster.
I was relieved when I saw lights on at our apartment building, but at the same time, I was sad to let go of his hand.
Mom had work that day. Since people were out and about for Halloween, the bar was busy, and I didn’t expect her home until the middle of the night.
But since it was Saturday, I thought my stepfather would be home, probably waiting for us to eat. That’s why we hurried straight back.
But as we walked through the crowded Shibuya streets holding hands, my stepfather had gone to see Mom at her bar.
Asamura and I were the only ones left at home.
We cooked and ate dinner together. After that, Asamura made us coffee. Then I remembered the lantern I’d bought at the bookstore.
Recalling my childhood, I put the light on the table and turned it on. The dim LED light flickered faintly, and it was almost like a real candle.
As I watched the glow, I realized why I had bought the light.
For a long, long time, the Halloween pumpkin candle had been a symbol of loneliness for me, and I wanted to rewrite that memory.
It was my first Halloween night with my new family. If I lit the lantern and went to sleep, I had a feeling it would soothe the lonely child still inside me.
As we sat facing each other across the pumpkin lantern, Asamura leaned forward a little.
Oh.
I knew then what was going to happen.
His outstretched hand touched my cheek, and the tips of his fingers caressed my hair. My face flushed, and I feared he could feel how fast my heart was beating through his fingertips. His face grew bigger and bigger as we gazed at each other. It was no illusion.
As he moved in closer, I saw my reflection in his eyes.
I looked surprised.
Feelings of anticipation and anxiety alternated inside me like the flickering light of the lantern. But somewhere along the way, I think I’d started to expect this.
I closed my eyes.
The joy of having kissed him, the embarrassment, the anticipation and anxiety of what was to come—I felt like I would explode as all the emotions swirled around in my mind.
I feared that our relationship would change forever. But I let it happen willingly.
Our lips only touched for a brief moment, yet I felt the crying child within me stop. Even my mother’s hug the following morning hadn’t healed this loneliness.
Halloween lights have magic in them.
But maybe that magic belongs to the devil.
I was the one who’d suggested we keep an appropriate distance as siblings. And now I felt like I’d ruined that.
I knew that if I’d looked away for even a second, Asamura would have stopped. By keeping my gaze steady, I’d given him permission, let him in.
When we reached the point of no return, I closed my eyes and waited.
Then his lips touched mine, just as I’d imagined.
The sense that I was touching him was much more intense than when we were holding hands.
I felt a soft orange glow caress me as I closed my eyes.
The light from Jack’s lantern was said to sometimes lead travelers astray and to sometimes guide them. Another story said he was a spirit that wandered the earth, unable to enter heaven or hell.
I hoped that light would guide this girl who fell in love with her stepbrother.
Just then, I remembered the call for volunteers to pick up trash the following morning.
I’d ignored the printout, wondering why I should have to clean up after a bunch of partygoers. But now…
“Maybe I’ll get up early and do some volunteer work…”
I didn’t know if that was enough to make up for my sins. But for the moment, I wanted to do something that would make me a “good girl.”
Maybe I’d ask Asamura to go with me. It had felt wonderful to give in to the devil’s temptations, but maybe if we could spend more time together without relying on the devil, we could be a little prouder of our relationship.
As I lay in the warm shell of my blanket, thinking idle thoughts, I drifted off to sleep.