“His Excellency still has something to say?” Sporr’s blaze-blue eyebrows furrowed. “I’ve lent his idle grumbling an ear already.”
“He may not think what he has to say is ‘idle grumbling,’” suggested Cfadiss.
“What else could it be?” She cocked her head in puzzlement. “Fine, then. Chief of Staff, ask the Premier what his business is. I’m a tad busy.”
For a brief moment, Cfadiss stood there. “...Understood.” Reluctantly, Cfadiss turned to the Communications Staff Officer. “Send the transmission to my wristgear, if you would.”
Soon, video of the star system’s chief of government floated up above his wristgear.
“Your Excellency,” he said, “I’m terribly sorry, but our Commander-in-Chief is indisposed at the moment, so it’s fallen on me to ask how we might help you.”
“And you are?” frowned the Premier, with an air of suspicion.
“My name is Cfadiss, and I am the Chief of Staff here.”
“Good, that’s just what I needed,” said Tallas, surprising him. “Before I speak to Her Excellency the Commander-in-Chief again, there’s something I’d like to make sure of.”
“What might that be?”
“You see, I fear that your machine translation might be malfunctioning.”
“I do not believe that is the case,” said Cfadiss. “Besides, I can assure you we understand the words of you and your people without it. For us, using machine translation as an intermediary is merely to establish a fair playing field.”
“But how can that be?” sniped the Premier. “I made it clear, on our end, that we plan to resist you to the bitter end.”
“Correct. I, too, heard you say as much.” Upon hearing that, Tallas’s expression doubtful, his confidence deflated.
“Then... perhaps it is our machine that’s on the fritz. Because according to it, Her Excellency issued us words of encouragement.”
“That is correct.”
At a loss, Tallas breathed a sigh. “It’s just... to put it mildly, this is a bewildering development, at least by our standards. We’ve made clear our intent to resist, yet the enemy commander fires back with a pat on the back.”
“I completely understand,” Cfadiss nodded vigorously. He felt he’d found a kindred soul in this Lander he’d only just met.
“In anticipation this day would come, I studied to deepen my grasp of Abh culture... or rather, I thought I’d deepened it.”
You must be joking, seethed Cfadiss. It appeared Sporr’s actions had been misconstrued as the typical Abh way. “Your Excellency, I don’t know what you think of our race, but Abhs, too, have individual personalities. Had it been me, I would not have given you words of encouragement. In fact, it wouldn’t even occur to the average Abh to do such a thing.”
“In that case...” A shine returned to the Premier’s eyes. “Then Her Excellency, she’s... well, I don’t mean to be rude, but... she’s somewhat eccentric, shall we say?”
“Caution, please,” chided Cfadiss, despite thinking that was the understatement of the century. “I am a faithful subordinate of the Commander-in-Chief, and most crucially of all, I’m currently within her reach.”
“Forgive me. May I ask how you would have responded in her stead?”
Cfadiss immediately thought up a safe answer. “I believe I would have said, ‘by all means, do as you will.’”
Tallas’s shoulders drooped with disappointment as he clicked his tongue. “That is a problem.”
“What do you mean?”
“Are you aware of what an ‘election’ is?”
“I have read up on elections, yes...” he said, disconcerted.
“Then it will be easier to explain.” Tallas’s holographic projection leaned forward. “To be plain with you, the voting public likes a leader who stands up boldly to tyrannical invaders. Oh, but I hope I haven’t hurt your feelings by calling you ‘tyrannical invaders.’ I mean nothing more by it than to impart a strong impression.”
“We don’t intend to meddle in your affairs, no matter what you call us.” Cfadiss felt keenly that he was probably getting wrapped up in some absurd scenario, here. “What exactly are you expecting to come of all this, Your Excellency?”
“I would be the symbolic representative of our determined war of resistance.”
“Of course,” said Cfadiss warily. Not that that wariness had ever served him before.
“As such, I’d like you very much to counsel our surrender.”
“I... see...” Perhaps the situation hadn’t been that ridiculous before, but now that the enemy was asking to be told to surrender, he had a feeling something was definitely off here.
“But if you reject our recommendation to surrender, then that will force us to take a certain level of action. Surrender will be demanded of your star system down the line, but at present, our fleet is intent on advancing forward, so we don’t actually wish to have a hand in subduing this or other landworlds. I’m sure you can appreciate our circumstances.”
“Yes, naturally,” said Tallas, nodding emphatically. “We’d just hope you appreciate ours as well. Not adopting any measures when there’s a fleet of warships overhead is going to be hard to explain to my constituents.”
“And that is a concern?”
The Premier’s eyes reeled wide; he could hardly believe his ears. “But of course! At this rate, our numbers will be down during the next election!”
“Ah, I see.” Though he wanted with all his heart to be freed from this back-and-forth, still he replied.
“That is why we would be most grateful if you could just respond to our declaration of resistance with a strongly worded appeal to surrender. The idea being that I then accede, thinking tearfully of the lives of the people. Do that, and I’ll have a narrative for the voters.”
“‘Strongly worded’ how, exactly?” Cfadiss responded robotically, not really caring to hear how, exactly.
“Hmm... I’d like you to pronounce that you’ll launch a savage offensive against our cities, and that that is no empty threat. I’d be even more thankful if you could throw in some discriminatory rhetoric to boot. Perhaps some slurs, along the lines of ‘land swine’ or ‘mud turtles.’”
“I’m sorry, what?” Cfadiss was unfamiliar with such colorful terms.
“‘Land swine’ and ‘mud turtles,’” Tallas repeated. “I’m certain you as Abhs must have a fair few contemptuous epithets for landworlders, so you may use any of those, as you like. Just make sure they’re sufficiently clear-cut. It’s not that my constituents are dim-witted, but there is a cultural barrier. It’s not uncommon for more euphemistic turns of phrase to get lost in translation.”
“I regret to inform you that our race doesn’t find railing against people with blunt invective all that elegant...” Suddenly, Cfadiss recovered his senses. “Hold on, Your Excellency. The Star Forces don’t actually have any vested interest in your star system’s coming elections. Consequently, we cannot cooperate with you on this matter.”
“But apart from us, there’s no other force that can shoulder the star system’s affairs of state!” Tallas carped.
“Then there’s nothing to worry about,” Cfadiss consoled him. “We need not interfere, for surely your star system’s people will make the correct choice.”
“If every eligible voter were as wise as you, then they would,” said the Premier, shaking his head with apparent dismay. “Unfortunately, the opposition candidates and their supporters don’t recognize that obvious fact...”
“At any rate, we cannot issue a recommendation to surrender,” said Cfadiss. If he continued indulging this conversation, he might end up even taking a liking to Tallas.
“Is there no room to negotiate?” Tallas entreated.
“I’m very sorry.” Pacifying the doggedly persistent Star System Premier with a few solicitous words, Cfadiss hung up and ended the transmission. He looked up from his wristgear and sighed.
“So,” Sporr said without a moment’s delay, “what did the Premier want, ultimately?”
Cfadiss relayed the contents of their discussion.
“I say,” said Sporr, curiosity dawning on her face. “That sounds far more engaging than my chat with him.”
A hair-raising spectacle then floated across Cfadiss’s mind. He pictured a Star Forces starpilot hurling childish threats at the enemy, slinging animal names (like “land swine” or “mud turtles”) that he’d never heard before, and wasn’t even sure existed to begin with.
Even if, for the sake of argument, the Premier’s demands were accommodated, he trusted that it wasn’t a role his Commander-in-Chief would volunteer for. And he was also sure he knew who would have to do it in her place.
“Sadly, His Excellency ended up undercutting himself. I hate being deceived. As such, if he’d been honest about his intentions from the outset, we might have gotten somewhere,” she said, to Cfadiss’s relief.
“Besides,” she continued, inclining her head slightly, “His Highness the Commander-in-Chief will be coming later. We need to leave the recommendation to surrender to him. His Highness likes this kind of occasion more than anything. In the Countdom of Hyde... well, it wasn’t a countdom when he came, but did that star system’s administration give him a speech suggesting they abdicate their sovereignty?”
“I’m afraid not,” said Cfadiss, shaking his head.
“Well, then he did pretty well for an Abliar. He was heavy-handed, and dripping with sarcasm, but effective. Though I’m sure I would have done a more elegant job of it, myself.”
Hearing Sporr say that, he glanced at the crest banner of the Archduchy of Laitpanh hanging on the wall behind the Commander-in-Chief’s Seat. That banner displayed a few choice words, in addition to the gatharsec golden crow (which was as famed as the crimson eyes of the Sporr). They read: “We’re not happy settling for ‘Archduke,’ but being Emperor is boorish work very fit for the Abliars! We are the Sporrs!”
“What did the Premier suggest as derogatory terms for land peoples, again?” she asked.
“‘Land swine’ and ‘mud turtles.’”
“‘Land swine’ and ‘mud turtles’...” Eyes downcast, she folded her arms. A smile curled her lips. “How quaint. But they do have something of a refreshing quality, oddly enough.”
Please don’t take to those words, longed Cfadiss.
Just like the majority of Abhs, Cfadiss was areligious, but during times like these, he very much wished for there to be a divinity to pray to.