That’s right, from here on out. Just choosing who you’ll be with doesn’t decide anything. Everything is decided by what you do after you’ve chosen them.
“From now on...”
“It’s much harder for us than it is for you though, Kisaki-san. We have a lot of hurdles to overcome... In the first place, you haven’t even acknowledged us, Kisaki-san.”
“...” Kisaki-san didn’t say anything as she faced the ground. Silence filled the kitchen, yet it didn’t feel like an awkward silence.
“Well... I’m going to bed.”
“...Yeah. Good night, Momota-kun.” She shook her head. “I mean, ‘Good night, Kaoru-kun,’” she said, rephrasing it like she was my family.
I was still too embarrassed to call her “Mom,” so all I said was, “...Good night.” and left the kitchen.
♛
It was the early afternoon, and I was sitting in the passenger seat of Shigeru-san’s car when I made a phone call to someone I thought I’d never call again.
“Hello? Long time no see.”
“...”
“Yes, it has been a long time. I wonder how long it’s been since I last saw you.”
“...”
“...Come on, you don’t have to act so scared, do you? I’m not going to bother you for money, so you don’t have to worry. I’ve already gotten what I’m supposed to get from you, and I don’t plan on asking you for a single yen more than that.”
“...”
“Well, it’s not really anything important, but I just wanted to let you know something.”
“...”
“I’m getting remarried.”
“...”
“Yes, remarried. I met someone nice recently.”
“...”
“He really is nice. The truth is... I’m already pregnant.”
“...”
“I was really surprised. It happened so easily. I mean, I couldn’t get pregnant with you, and we even fought about having infertility treatment. Oh... I’m sorry. I’m not criticizing you; I was just reminiscing about that time.”
“...”
“How about you? Have you gotten remarried, or...?”
“...”
“Oh, really? Well, that does happen.”
“...”
“...No. It really is nothing, but I just wanted to let you know. Even though we’re over, we were married once.”
“...”
“You know, ever since we got divorced, I’ve regretted our marriage and thought I failed to choose the right person... But it occurred to me that it might be wrong to say that my marriage to you was a mistake.”
“...”
“Of course, I don’t have feelings for you anymore, and I don’t want to get back together with you... But writing off the fact that I loved you as a mistake is hollow...and unfair. I mean, chalking everything up to ‘I chose the wrong person’ when I had my own faults just isn’t right.”
“...”
“Well, no matter how you think about it, you’re the one who’s most at fault for cheating on me.”
“...”
“It’s true. Reflect on what you did and don’t cheat on anyone anymore.”
“...”
“I’ve changed...? Yes, that’s probably true. A lot’s happened, but right now I’m really happy. So, I think I’m going to do my best to be happy.”
“...”
“Let’s both do our best. Goodbye, Hoshino-san.” I hung up. I didn’t use the name I used to call him by; I called him by his last name, like a stranger.
“Are you done, Kisaki?” Shigeru-san asked me from the driver’s seat. He called me by my name without adding “-san.” He was always like this when we’re alone together, but he’ll speak formally when we’re in front of Kaoru-kun or Kaede-chan. It seems like he’s still a little shy and uncomfortable with calling me by my first name in front of the kids.
“Yes, I’m done.” After I stayed the night, Shigeru-san was giving me a ride to my parent’s house. Right now, we were in the parking lot of a convenience store that I had him stop at on the way there. It was there that, after getting permission from Shigeru-san, I made a phone call to my ex-husband. “I’m sorry for being so selfish.”
“It’s okay. It’s not a big deal.”
“I feel like I shouldn’t have bothered you to make time for something like this, but...it’s just that I’d feel unfaithful if I called my ex-husband behind your back.”
“I’m not the kind of guy who worries about little things like that,” he said in a huff, but I think he was just putting on a tough guy act. When I said I wanted to call my ex-husband, he looked a little uneasy. He he. He’s jealous.
“But yeah... That made me feel better.”
I looked down at my ex-husband’s phone number on my smartphone. I hadn’t deleted his number...but it wasn’t because I was still in love with him. I was going to delete it right after the divorce, but I hesitated, thinking that I might need to contact him for alimony or something like that, and I left it that way until today.
I didn’t mean to dwell on the past, and I didn’t mean to look back. But thinking about it, keeping his number was probably me standing in place and not looking toward the future. I’d decided that that part of my life was a failure and a mistake, and I’d tried to force myself to forget about it. Just because one thing went wrong, I’d decided everything was a failure and kept looking away. I’d tried to simply sweep it all under the rug; I’d had the convenient excuse that there was nothing I could do because he wasn’t my soul mate.
“...”
I navigated my smartphone and deleted his number. However, I didn’t do it to forget him or to bury what had happened as my dark past. I’m going to accept everything, the bad and the good, and go forward. Right now, that’s what I feel like I truly want to do.