Jude was the lonely boy’s only guardian.
It didn’t take long for Liam to get attached and start thinking of him as an older brother.
Liam admired him and, at the same time, put him through trials to test his love for him.
He acted insolently many times to see if he would be forgiven. Not once did Jude abandon him.
“Liam, do as I say.”
Jude would act cold sometimes, but it was always when they had to obey the Church. He always reminded Liam how important it was to not disobey the Church.
As he came from the Church himself, Jude knew the inner workings of it and ended up being stricter than necessary.
He said it was all for Liam’s sake.
And due to how frequently he said it, Liam naturally started to fear the Church of the Living Gods.
He once saw Jude arguing furiously with a member of the Church.
Liam had been told to wait during a visit to one of the Kashu branches, but he wandered away and ended up overhearing the conversation.
“…When will it be enough?! Does your greed know no bounds?!”
Jude was yelling. Liam got scared and immediately ran back to his place, but the incident was enough to let him know that the Church and Jude were in conflict.
The Guard was always in a bad mood when they dropped by the Church.
Liam had no idea why, but the stress oozed from Jude’s body like steam.
Could he not cut ties with them if he hated it that much?
Liam innocently posed the question, and Jude’s response was:
“Separating from the Church is a death sentence.”
He sounded like he was trying to frighten a child with a bedtime story.
“…I can’t always be with you because of the odd jobs the Church gives me. I’m sorry… Your Guard is supposed to be with you at all times.”
It was true. Jude would often vanish after dropping Liam off.
Liam was locked in a room with barred windows because he would be safe there. He would sometimes go days without seeing his Guard.
In the meantime, he would have no human contact other than the attendants who avoided him as much as they could.
Jude had never spent a full day with Liam.
He was unlike the other Guards Liam had heard about. What was the difference between him and the others?
If only he could hate Jude for making him feel lonely, but Jude was the only adult he could rely on.
One time, Liam had insisted that Jude stay, but his Guard would not listen.
He’s the Church’s dog.
Maybe Jude only took care of Liam because he was ordered to.
But then he would always come back the next day with a plush toy and flowers and chocolate, like a man apologizing to his lover.
He plays dirty.
Liam wanted a more normal life, not this twisted version where he was trying to get a young man’s attention.
He didn’t need a luxurious life in that mining town.
He would’ve been fine cooking for people there forever.
People needed me there.
His parents had always been happy when he helped out, and his brother had promised to make the restaurant into a chain with him.
His little brothers sulked when he wouldn’t play with them, and his little sisters always told him they loved him the most.
The regulars would defend him when a mean customer got mad at him.
Liam had a home.
It’s not here.
He felt no pride or joy or meaning in having people serve him.
He only had a power that made people afraid of touching him and a man who would not become his family.
Yet the adults told him to create a family.
“It didn’t work out this time, but it’s okay.”
Jude said that to him in the car on the way back from dinner with the Yamatoan delegation.
“That was fine.”
The Guard was looking out the window.
Liam wanted to ask why Jude hadn’t helped him then, but he was scared.
If he asked, maybe Jude would stop pretending that he loved him. Liam could hear distant bells tolling an imminent collapse.
Perhaps the end was near.
“The gods of Yamato got mad because of me,” Liam murmured. A moment passed before Jude responded.
“…They weren’t mad at you. They were mad at me.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Serves you right.”
Jude finally looked Liam’s way.
It was dark outside. The city’s lights glinted off Liam’s tears. Jude reached for him.
Liam thought he might get hit, but Jude only stroked his cheek.
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry…Liam.”
Even though Jude hadn’t helped Liam back then, now his face was full of genuine pain.
“…You deserve it,” Liam said, sobbing. “It was hard for me.”
“I know it wasn’t fair. But now we’ve posed a problem.”
“What’re you talking about?!”
“We need Yamato’s attention.”
“We just made them think that we’re bad! And… And also… She, the Autumn girl, she wanted to be friends with me. I didn’t know. Did you?”
“No…”
“Now we can’t be friends!”
“Liam.”
“I wouldn’t have wanted to tell her to marry me if we could’ve been friends!”
“Liam…”
“I don’t want to get married…” His voice was hoarse.
“…Liam.”
“I don’t understand why I have to. Will I really not survive? Is it because they won’t feed me if I don’t obey the Church?”
“Something close to that… So please.”
“Then I’ll cook my own food. I don’t need anything fancy.”
“…”
“I can even feed you and your family…”
“You know the Church is protecting your family.”
“…”
“I want to protect you. Please understand…”
Liam stopped talking. As soon as his family was mentioned, his heart turned cold, and his mouth snapped shut.
He hated Jude for using them as a threat.
He loved the Guard, but he hated him, too. This man played dirty.
If Jude was going to use Liam’s feelings to force him to endure everything, then he should have worked to make Liam hate him more.
Or make me love you so much I don’t care about it.