It’s like the time when you first learn that all people eventually die.
The fear of a future you can’t escape is crushing.
A certain question always suddenly occurs to unloved children.
Should I not have been born?
I knew this feeling the day I became the goddess of Autumn.
My parents looked cheerier than usual when they handed me over to the honden.
They were in high spirits, like they got to cleanly throw away something they didn’t need.
I’d sensed it even before then. I just tried not to think about it.
My value dropped every time they got in an argument.
I felt bad for them, too. What they thought was love wasn’t love at all.
Back when I was little…really little, like a stuffed doll… Back then, they really loved me. They didn’t argue, either.
But values change over time, and people start caring less and less.
I knew it, but I didn’t want to. I’m not good at accepting the truth.
That must’ve been why even my parents abandoned me.
I mean, if they loved me, they wouldn’t want to say good-bye. They would come to see me.
I was dumb for thinking it was only good-bye for one or two days.
For thinking they would come for me if I just kept waiting.
It’s so embarrassing to remember it now.
“Parents tend to push away their children when they’re Agents, but she was neglected to begin with.”
How many times did I cry from hearing the gossip behind my back?
Why did they talk loud enough for me to hear? They weren’t wrong, but still.
If only I had been smarter. If only I could’ve done better to make them love me.
Is that why they abandoned me?
I couldn’t complain to anybody. This uncomfortable life was my own fault.
People are quick to ignore annoying kids—at least in my house.
So I had to endure it.
Children can’t live on our own. We need adults.
I should have made myself the child that the adults wanted.
I did my best to, so I could stay alive.
If I just endure it, everyone will be nice.
Now it’s all good. Now I can keep on living.
But my heart keeps sinking. The dry leaves in my chest keep piling up. When the pile gets big enough, I can’t breathe anymore.
The adults must’ve noticed I was growing weak. They decided to give me something.
A Guard. Gods lose their minds without someone who loves them, they said.
If you get too close to godhood, you’ll die sooner, they said.
They need someone who can cherish them, or they won’t live for long.
It’s funny, isn’t it? It’s as if gods are like kittens or puppies…or children.
I remember very well the day I met him.
It was summer. A very hot day.
In the big tatami room was a man in a suit, sweating bullets as he bent a knee.
I blinked in confusion when the adults told me that the man before me would protect me for the rest of my life.
He said that he would dedicate himself to me until the day he died. That he would protect me, no matter what.
“Protect me…? From what…?” I asked, and he finally raised his head.
“From everything. But…if I had to choose one thing in particular…”
His eyes were like blades, and his voice was like ice, but at the same time, I could sense some warmth in him, too.
My instincts told me that he was a different beast from the other adults.
“From the natural enemies of the Agents…the insurgents. My Autumn.”
And even though I wasn’t very smart, I understood one thing then.
Oh. This man will protect me.
Finally, an adult who would look after me had come into my life.
I was so glad, so happy, that I became obsessed with him.
He was nice to me. It didn’t matter if some lies were mixed in with his kindness.
I wished for this life to go on forever.
But I couldn’t take it for granted. I had to keep my guard up.
I knew how common it was to get abandoned if you weren’t loved.
Yes, I had to be careful.