I opened the door and checked the rear part.
“Here.”
“Can the pump nozzle reach the filler neck?”
While we refilled the gas tank, a door of the cabin was opened, and a short, old man appeared.
“Hi, mister, we want extra gasoline. Do you have gasoline cans?” She asked.
“We do.” The old man did not smile at all, and returned to the cabin slowly.
The gas tank of the truck was filled. The old man came back with metal cans dangling from both hands.
“How many do you need?” He asked.
“Then, we want those two cans.”
We put the empty cans onto the load-carrying platform of the truck, and filled them with gasoline. I also noticed a folded green sheet and ropes on the platform.
She paid cash to the old man. I climbed into the passenger seat first and waited for her. She got back and closed the door.
This time, the engine started on the first try.
“Good. Getting lovely with time.”
“Sorry, who is?”
“This truck.”
Then we turned back along the road that we had used, and rode up the hill to the highway. The truck continued to run reasonably well, though not going too fast.
“If I say something like this, you might scold me.” I had decided to talk about what I had been thinking about. “If the pursuers are from my company, I don’t think you’ll be bothered if I leave you.”
“We’ve already had our discussion on that.” She replied while looking forward.
“I mean, I could make a comeback to the company and pilot an aircraft once again. Doesn’t that work as a solution to everything?”
“That doesn’t solve anything.”
“So, what is the solution?” I asked.
She did not answer. She looked in the rearview mirror. I found myself looking backward. There was a small window right behind me, and I could see a vehicle behind the truck. It appeared to be a bus. I saw no other cars that looked suspicious.
“Do you believe you can get on it?”
She means getting on an aircraft, I speculated.
“I’m not sure. I believe I can, though.”
“Before that, you will be drugged, and your memories will be erased. You might not be able to remain you anymore. Do you still want to get on an airplane?”
Will I not be me anymore?
But, I thought the current situation was already close to that.
“Your face might be altered.” She continued. “Next time we meet, I won’t even be able to recognize you anymore. You may not recognize me, either.”
I kept silent.
I can imagine such a situation. But I don’t know how I would feel when I experience it actually. I cannot compare it with the situation in which I am in a different condition.
“After all, it’s the same as your dying. I mean, you will be a different person.”
“That’s not true. I can remember some things.”
For example, what will I be able to remember?
Right, I will remember flight. I believe I will not forget it.
While sitting back in the seat, I leaned a little to the side. I looked at the sky through the window. It is a high sky. It stretches only above me. As long as I am here, the sky is only above me. It can only exist far away. On the ground, there is no sky around me.
“Do you want to fly that much?”
I kept silent. I don’t want to hurt her, I thought.
“You have yet to get back to your normal condition.” She continued. “I want you to wait more. You had better spend more ordinary time and construct solid memories. I mean, you should build up yourself. Take a lot of time. I want you to put up with it until then. You will understand what humans are like. Human beings may not be as beautiful as Kildren like you think they are, but that is who we are. You are a human, too. Don’t forget it. Don’t worry. I believe you will be able to live as a human.”
“As a human...” I whispered in a low voice.
I admitted that I could not understand the meaning of the phrase “as a human.” It did not sound attractive to me. Am I a human? Did she mean I am a human because I am not a machine? Or did she say that in contrast to other animals?
That’s not true.
She used the word “human” to mean “adult.”
In the same sense, I considered myself not to be human.
I’m still a child and wish I could be a child forever. I believe so. Isn’t that the part that doesn’t mesh with others? Adults were once children. They have grown from children to adults. But they have already lost their children’s minds. They can never get back to children. Then, they speak softly to children.
You should grow up as soon as possible.
Adults try to convince children that they are inadequate and that adults are the only human beings who are complete. Deceived children worry about growing up and then hurt themselves. Children lose so much and fall into adulthood.
In the past, there had been no adult who could remain a child.
The only thing that could realize it was death.
The only exceptions are death and us, Kildren.
I am starting to understand.
In short, from the point of view of grownups, the very notion of children remaining to be children is such a distraction, because it subverts the principles that adults hold dear. I mean, that is the main principle that all children eventually become adults. Sooner or later, we all become ugly. It will fade and then dull eventually. That is the basic premise.
Adults are trying to teach children that remaining a child is such sufferance.
In fact, it’s just a matter of cutting it off.
Am I wrong?
It’s just a matter of cutting off the dullness.
It’s just a matter of cutting off the ugliness.
For the sake of bitterness and beauty.
Am I wrong?
That’s all it takes.
I looked at the view outside the window. The sky.
I found myself in a state of high spirits.
That’s not good. I have to calm down. If not, the weird illusion will appear again. The woman next to me is carrying a gun. I might steal the gun from her and shoot her with it. No, I should not think about that sort of thing.
Sigh.
I took a deep breath, while being careful not to let her notice it. Slowly.
-5-