And the box I kept, it’s somewhere in the attic now, I must ask Verena please to give it to me, it would be nice to see my first loves again: what is there? a dried honeycomb, an empty hornet’s nest, other things, or an orange stuck with cloves and a jaybird’s egg – when I loved those love collected inside me so that it went flying about like a bird in a sunflower field.
This excerpt is from The Grass Harp by Truman Capote
-1-
✦ ✦ ✦
On the night, I shared the blanket with her. Except for the loft, there was no place that we could sleep in this cabin. If I slept in the cockpit of the biplane, it would be too cold. It could not be helped because it was an open cockpit. She told me she would buy another blanket if she got a chance to go to a city, though.
I had a dream. I felt I had a lot of dreams. It might be appropriate for me to state, I have experienced the lives of many people. Most of them ended disappointingly. There was no such thing as emotional upheaval. I thought I experienced the dreams dispassionately. It was maybe because I was totally used to having a delusion.
In one dream, when I was walking in the market, lots of people came and went. I was suddenly shot from behind displayed merchandises. In another dream, when I was trying to moor a boat in the cool shade of a tree at the waterside, I abruptly felt sick and buried my face against mud. It was impressive for me that each way of dying came along with the sense of sinking deep. It was similar to the acceleration I felt when I was falling while revolving slowly.
In the dreams, I encountered many deaths of other people. One time, my mother died. Another time, my sister died. When I was about to kiss the face in the coffin, someone stopped me. You should not do that. Drive this nail in the coffin. The one said, and handed nails and a hammer to me.
The procession in a graveyard. It lasted endlessly. While I was walking on the ground, the rain started falling. But, when I looked up at the sky, it was glittering, and I saw shadows of aircrafts in it.
I left the procession and started to ascend.
The engine was splendid.
The main wings were sucked into the air.
The rudder moved smoothly.
The propeller was like a webbed foot.
The fillet stroked the air gently.
I did not blink.
My eyes caught an enemy aircraft and followed the track.
I will come and get you.
Wait for me.
Everywhere, forever.
I sped diagonally to the airspace above the clouds.
This is the place.
This is the worthiest.
The throttle level at middle-low.
I tilted the wings down slowly and eased up on the angle.
Making a big turn.
The opponent did not escape.
Wonderful.
Now, it’s all here.
I have no request.
No wish, either.
Neither beauty nor righteousness.
No words, no reason, no ideal.
Whatever exists up here.
Air.
Two aircrafts.
Then, eyes gazing at each other.
Come on.
Now?
Is this it?
My breathing stopped, and I gauged the distance between us.
I waited.
The creak of the airframe.
He’s coming.
Smoothly.
Cleanly.
I tilted the control stick a bit.
My left hand was pushing up the throttle lever gently.
I put my both feet onto the rudder pedals softly.
The engine was dancing.
As the airframe appeared to be craving for acting violently, I calmed it down by adjusting the various control surfaces carefully.
Before long, I let it accelerate straight ahead.
I had the wings oriented vertically like a sword, by flying knife-edge.
The edges of the wings were shining as if they were becoming blades.
The enemy’s sword shone for a moment.
Sounds vanished.
Colors faded.
Only the light and darkness spread.
A dot and a dot and a line.
Curves and curves.
Coordinates.
Space.
My right hand touched the trigger.
Right.
Left.
To the right.
To the left, and to the right.
As the airframe quivered slightly, I cut in.
Great.
I was being absorbed into it.
The very sense of my body was vanishing.
My existence no longer consisted of any material.
My mind became hazy.
There was no signal anymore.
In the silence, the last consciousness of mine was floating.
It was flying.
Smoothly.
Fly.
Singularly straight.
I shot.
Turning to the left.
While executing the corkscrew maneuver, I captured the view of the world that appeared to be revolving around me.
I was chasing the enemy who was still alive in it.
Stay alive.
Wait for me.
Once again.
Cross your excellent sword with mine.
The shine.
Up.
Turn.
I directed the nose of my aircraft toward the opponent.
So, once again.
To the right.
Then, I slid to the left.
Making a feint.
Preparing to use the flaps.
Checking the gauge readings in a moment.
Hard banking.
Choking the throttle.
Flaps down.
To the right.
The opponent made a quick move.
Trying it again?
High throttle.
Ailerons.
Bringing the flaps back to the previous position.
I accelerated.
Squeeze. Flaps down.
To the left.
Up. Bringing them back.
Adjustment with the rudders.
I let it skid horizontally.
I felt the acceleration sideways.
It was approaching.
Good, it’s fast.
The one is piloting in an interesting way, eh?
This is fun.
To the right.
Checking around.
There was no one else.
Okay, we are alone.
Let’s have a good time.
Flying inverted.
I made a dive.
Checking the meters.
Rolling over.
I stabilized the nose vector with the elevators.
Now, it’s a showdown.
The wings were shining.
Locking on.
Three, two, one.
Fire.
Break away.
To the right.
Up.
While being inverted, I dove downward.
I looked at the enemy.
Where is it?
Half-rolling.
Is it above me?
It was shining.
White.
Is it the sun?
It is blinding.
I could not hear the engine sound.
“Are you okay?”
It was a woman’s voice close by.
When I opened my eyes, it was dark.
Night?
I turned my face sideways. Is it still at night?
I felt my body was heavy.
She is right beside me.
“You were being disturbed by a nightmare.”
It was a dream.
I knew it was a dream.
Right, I know everything is a dream.
All of myself are dreams.
Suddenly, I felt slightly sad.
I did not understand why.
“Since you were trembling, I thought I should wake you up ...”
I was still quivering.
I was breathing rapidly.
In the dream, it was so fun.
Why?
“How pitiful ...”
The woman’s hand touched my hair.
It was not pitiful.
She was not right. There was nothing pitiful about me. The sad thing was this reality. The poor thing was my body that was being left in this real world. I myself can live in my dreams. I can fly there anytime I like. It is splendid. No one else can understand it. The splendor is always with me.
Even so, due to the reaction to the exquisite excitement, my body might have been shivering. Like an engine overheats, like the spars of main wings creaking, my breath and pulse might have been pushed to the limits of their capabilities.
Indeed, I was sweating.
Her face was getting closer to mine.
Her fingers brushed a lock of hair on my forehead.
Her lips touched my forehead.
Then, she also kissed the part of my face near my eyes.
“You’re adorable.” Her mouth moved.
I closed my eyes.
Then, I tried to look into the sky.
The proud sky.
The zing ringing in my ears, like a howling effect, drifted from left to right.
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