Behind the stove, there was a cabinet, on which two photographs were displayed. Both were of a smiling young man. I recalled the face. He was a pilot. Was he her boyfriend? Or, her husband? Which was he ...? I did not remember that. Perhaps, it was what I had not known. Either way, it was essential for them to have a relationship that would encourage her to keep on displaying his photograph. I did not care about what name that particular relationship had.
She came back while carrying two cups in her hand. I received one of them. There was no table. I did not have a place to put it on. I held the cup in both hands. The cup was warm. On the other hand, the coffee was very hot. It was the instant type, made from the soluble powder, with neither milk nor sugar. Of course, it was enough for me. When I brought my mouth close to the cup, I felt the hotness as if it involved many things and tried to bring them down to hell. I sipped it while dodging several hands that were being extended from hell.
“By the way, I am really impressed by how well you have recovered.” She sat on a wooden box over the stove. It was way too short to function as a chair. So, she was assuming the pose of looking up at me. “Honestly speaking, I almost gave up while thinking you could not make it.”
“Me, too.”
“You were giving up?”
“Probably, I still do.”
She exhaled and smiled. It was a gentle face.
“No worries. You have been able to come here alone, and speak of such a thing. You have already got back to the normal state.”
“The effects of the medicine have worn off. My mind is far clearer today than yesterday.”
“Okay, but be careful. Occasionally, the symptoms of hysteria may show up.”
“For example, might I act violently?”
“Yes. I admit that there might be the possibility.”
“Oh, it sounds dangerous.”
“Even when you are awake, you might have an illusion like a dream.”
“Oh, I had a dream. You know, while I was on a train.”
“What type of dream did you have?”
“In the dream, I was killed. Kusanagi chased me, pointed the gun,” I put my finger on the part of the chest which my heart was inside, and continued, “to my chest, and shot at the point.”
“Really ...” She showed a slightly serious look on her face. “Then, what did you think about that?”
“I felt happy.”
She raised her eyebrows a little and got her chin upward while fixing the expression. Then, she smiled shortly after that. Rather, she tried to smile. She attempted to form a smile.
“Did you want to be killed?”
“I did.”
“Did you see Kusanagi’s face?”
“I saw it. Within a close distance.”
“How was she?”
“What do you mean?”
“Umm, for example, how was her hair? Long? Or, short? Do you remember?”
I was reminded of the waterdrops dripping from her hair. I could recall the scene in minute details.
“I remember it clearly. It was short.”
“Shorter than your current hair?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Which means, it was the Suito Kusanagi of several years ago.”
“I think so.”
“I wonder if you have such a desire?”
“What desire?”
“Umm, well, that’s okay.” She put her mouth on the cup and stopped her words. Then, she raised her face once, closed her eyes, and pouted. She looked to be thinking about something. “I want to ask you a couple of questions. Relax and answer. I can assure you that it will not put you in a difficult position.”
“Okay.”
“I want to ask about your memory.”
“But, I have many things I cannot recall.”
“Well, you need not worry about that. It is not that you do not remember that, rather you just do not memorize it. Umm, I mean, you act unconsciously and get everything done well. If one stops growing and still keeps aging, even a normal person ends up being in that status. One remembers the past well, but cannot recall what has recently happened. You have heard of such cases, correct?”
“That is what old people experience ... Do I already belong to that elderly age group?”
“No, your body is still young. It is true for sure. So, if anything, I might be able to state that your mind has aged, relatively speaking.”
“I see.”
“When someone loses the physical change, then the one will tend to process the same routines subconsciously. It can also be said that the movement of the body gets streamlined. The processing channels get short-circuited, and nothing remains in memory. Since you move without thought, you don’t remember the information. Moreover, the routine of inputting and outputting memory is omitted, and you are more likely to perceive things abstractly. For example, you forget proper nouns and start thinking about things just with their concepts.”
“Yeah, that’s right. I do things the way you say I do.”
“You Kildren have that common tendency. The fact has been pointed out independently based on the data in the past. In a thesis, one scholar wrote that the aging processes are programmed into the organisms’ DNA as a protective measure against not remembering anything. In short, aging is a possible growth pattern in a way, and change is always needed for the self-preservation of the organism.”
“Changing is, you mean, equal to living, you say.”
“Yes, but ... The sample size is way too limited. We cannot clearly determine if it has to do with their individual variability, characteristic properties, or physical factors. However, the symptom that indicates the vague thoughts and inability to register anything in memory has been reported with fairly extreme examples of more than ten people.”
“And what will happen next?”
“I don’t like to tell you candidly about that ...”
“No problem with that.”
“In the worse-case scenario, the symptom like the collapse of personality has been observed.”
“Does the one go insane?”
“It is mainly a memory disorder. Mental disorders are seldom observed.”
“Specifically, how is the symptom?”
“Yeah. Well ... When you wake up every morning, you have to look for a new you. But, as of now, the rapidly progressive symptom has not been reported. I don’t think their brain functions have any problems. They are young, healthy brains. We cannot find the reason.”
“Can we not avoid it?”
“Female Kildren might be able to avoid it. But as for male Kildren, theoretically, they will remain Kildren throughout their lives. Of course, even if they free themselves from Kildren, the disorder will still remain.”
“It means that we cannot get back to being normal, doesn’t it?”
“Correct. According to my estimation, it would be difficult for them to revert to the original condition, once they are in the abnormal state. It is because such signals are inscribed upon you. They are like scars. You can compensate for the shortcomings by applying different networks to a certain extent, but cannot erase the scars. Scars themselves are the networks. They will remain forever. On the other hand, I can state that attempting to augment the scar with another network renders the scar conspicuous. The human mind is embedded with such natural characteristics in the first place. One can never forget a dreadful experience and suffers from a mental disorder, correct? The one will not erase the scar and forget it, but try to keep it forever. You know, the body thinks that the method can be a way of defense to escape from danger.”
“For what does the body need the defense?”
“That is, of course, for survival. The final goal of any living thing is to make the descendants prosper.”
“As for us Kildren, we cannot make our descendants thrive, even if we continue to live.”
“Correct.”
“In short, we are already pretty much dead, aren’t we?”
“No, in modern times, humans generally choose a lifestyle in which they are not involved in the prosperity of their offspring. No one lives a life with such a simple mindset anymore.” She shook her head horizontally. “It is because our brains have become complicated. But, some parts of our bodies and minds are still based on primitive mechanisms.”
She started preparing for our meal. The time was approaching 15:00. Is it her lunch? Has she not eaten anything yet? I did not ask her about it. I got her permission and walked to see the airplane in the adjacent garage.
It was a two-seat practice airplane with a four-cylinder horizontally opposed engine. I recalled that I had piloted the same type just once in the distant past. Where did I fly this type of airplane? Probably, it was in the days of aeronautical school. Anything other than that was not likely to be the case. I forgot the name of the aircraft type. There were traces of the repeated paintings on the airframe. There was neither the manufacturer name nor aircraft type name left on it to be seen. Its propeller blades were made of wood. By touching their curving parts, I could check out the smoothness.
I got on the main wing and entered the cockpit in the rear part. The part of the fuselage behind me was upholstered, just like the wings were. Some of the meters and gauges had been removed, and round holes remained on the aluminum plate. It was an airplane just for low-altitude, visual flights. The wires around the base of the control stick were double-lined and still new. Did she perform acrobatic maneuvers, or something?
Since I had not expected to sit on the seat of an aircraft, I was so delighted. I grabbed the control stick with my right hand. There was no trigger for a machine gun. It was a thin, light control stick like a cane. I moved it a little. As the main wings were visible toward the upper direction, I could observe the aileron movements quite well. A fuel tank was above me. Is it made of zinc alloy? It is like a hot-water bottle.
I closed my eyes.
Ah, I might be satisfied, even if I die here now.
If I have a switch on my body, I think I can turn it off at this point.
I had such a calm feeling. Just for that, it was worth running away to this place.
-3-