“If possible, I want you to tell nobody about meeting me.”
“Why are you in a place like here?”
“You know, that’s classified information. I don’t want to involve you in serious troubles.”
“Ah, as for me ... You know ...”
“May I leave here?”
“Oh, of course ... I apologize.”
“Well, no, you were not rude to me in particular.” I smiled for him. It was a courtesy.
I put the card back into the pocket and went out of the restaurant. Without looking back, I crossed the street. While waiting in a median strip for cars to come and go, I looked back at the diner just once. Its café area was so bright that I could see what was going on inside well. No one was looking at me. I confirmed that in a moment. After a large trailer truck passed by me, I ran across the road. Everything moving on the ground is slow. It looks as if it has stopped and become motionless. It can’t be helped because we are on the immobile ground.
The dark sidewalk did not move, either. While walking, I recalled the woman I had just talked to on the phone. Sometime in the past, maybe about two months ago, she visited me in the hospital suddenly.
At first, I could not recall her name. Still, I recognized her face, of course. I knew her well in the distant past. I was swiftly filled with the smoke-like feeling.
I had seen no human being other than doctors and nurses for an extended period of time. I had not even talked with anyone on the phone. So, when she entered my sick room, I first thought she was a new doctor. But she was not wearing a white coat. She closed the door and turned to me. Finally, I found out that she was special. I mean, a special person for me.
“It’s been ages.” She said, and moved closer to my bed.
I remembered that I was sitting on the bed, while leaning against a wall. I often sat in such a position. Was I not reading a book or something, when she was visiting me? I could not recall what kind of book it was. I read the Bible as well as newspapers and magazines. Whatever I read, the contents were not important for me. I just enjoyed the rhythms of words as if they were poems. It was the same as singing a song. I had interpreted the concept of reading books in that way since a long time ago. By the time of the hospitalization, I had learned to feel that everything I read, heard, and even spoke, was a poem or a song.
“Hello.” I greeted her. It probably sounded monotonous. Because it was also one phrase of a poem.
“You appear to be in a better condition than I expected.”
“Surely enough, I’m fine.”
“Still, can’t you make a comeback?”
“I think I can. But for some reason, I don’t seem to get permission.” I talked smoothly. I thought I had not spoken for a long time, but my speaking ability did not seem to have gotten rusty.
“How come?”
“I wonder why.”
“I have been in a trial and under many restrictions. It is difficult for me to do anything I like.”
“Trial?”
“In the trial, the subject is not about my pointing the gun at you. It was the actual crime, though. It has got to be the most serious of the crimes that are put on the table ... So ...” She was at a loss for words. She held her hand over her mouth.
I kept silent. Then, I tried to understand what she was talking about. But they were also no more than poems. Trial? Pointing the gun at me? They were phrases that sounded somewhat strange to me to the extent that they seemed to be triggering something in my mind.
“I have seriously wanted to apologize to you. I am really sorry. I don’t think you will forgive me. I judged that it was the only choice at that time. I believed it was the only remaining thing that I could do by myself.”
“What about now?” I asked, as if it was also a poetic phrase.
“Now? Well, now I understand that it was not the only way. It is the reason why I have decided to come here to apologize. More than that, even if the choice that I made happened to be correct scientifically or socially, the fact remains that I actually attempted to kill a human, who was also my close, precious friend. There is no excuse for this, in any phrases or words. I understand that. But, I just want you to understand how I feel. Please. I want you to forgive me. I will do anything to make up for it. I swear on my life.”
“I do not have any clue of what you are talking about. Anyway, I do not feel anything about it in particular. At least, it is not your fault that I am in this hospital.”
“Right, I understand that. But maybe, it might have been the catalyst.”
“Catalyst?”
She continued to talk about various topics. But, the words entering my ears made no sense anymore. They did not remain in my memory. I was just hearing them. They sounded like a lullaby, and the only assuredly positive effect they possess was to calm down the mind. It might have been the reverberation of the conviction that she was undoubtedly on my side. Perhaps, it was like my mother. But, I could not recall even my mother clearly, and it was just my simple premonition.