We got into a motel, which resembled a school clubhouse. Its parking lot was located right in front of the rooms, and only the keeper’s cabin was separated from the main building. It also had a laundry room with coin-operated machines. The only parked vehicle other than ours was a large trailer truck. The innkeeper squinted at her. My guess was that the woman’s brilliance was too dazzling for him because he had not seen it for a long time.
Our room was about to rot like a bungalow at a campsite. The bed was like a toy box made of plywood. To my surprise, the television was there. Moreover, it was set on the floor directly. It might be someone’s lost property. The carpet was like worn-out sandpaper. The fluorescent light tube on the ceiling appeared as if it was about to lay a black egg.
She took a shower first, and then I also took it after that. From my point of view, I was not dissatisfied with this facility. I could live in the room for as long as one year. If I could replace the parking lot outside with a runway, I would not be able to ask for anything more. I was thinking about the motel like that, probably because my body was getting warmer and I was beginning to feel a bit better.
When I got out of the bathroom, she was wrapped in a blanket with her head sticking out. To watch the television set placed on the floor, she was lying on the bed, rotated by 180 degrees from the usual orientation so that her face was above the footboard and her feet were closer to the pillow side, or the headboard. The TV generated noises periodically. It was like a VHF (very high frequency) receiver I used while flying in the sky. It might be the function that was intentionally designed to remind me of how precious radio waves were.
“I have no cigarette anymore.” She said.
“Um. Sorry. I smoked a couple of your cigarettes.”
“I don’t care.”
“Shall I buy them somewhere?”
“We are just getting warmed up. You need not worry about that. Hey, come over here now.” She picked up one edge of the blanket slightly. She was apparently urging me to get inside the blanket.
Although my hair was wet, I draped the bath towel over a sofa, and inserted my body beneath the blanket on the bed.
“Ah ...” Bringing her body closer to mine, she made a sigh. Her breath touched my face. I sensed her scent in it. “It might be good, right?”
“What is good?”
“A life, such as this.”
“What kind of life?”
“Umm, like this, we take showers and get wrapped in a blanket every day. Then, we watch television shows, chitchat, and sometimes drink alcohol ... Only if the amount is just a little bit, you know.”
“What do we do in the daytime?” I asked. I felt it was a spiteful question.
“Of course ... I have to do my work.” She answered.
“What kind of work?”
“I do not know such a thing to that extent. You know, a waitress or something?”
“As for me?”
“What can you do?”
“Piloting an airplane, maybe.”
“Right. I think you might find a job of getting on an airplane. Oh, for example, you should conduct a sightseeing flight with customers on board.”
“Yeah, that sounds nice.”
“I wonder if the customers will come.”
“I have no idea.”
“I will be your customer every day for you.”
“Even if you do so, I cannot make a living.”
As she mentioned, while I was talking about it, I started feeling that it might be a pleasing scene. It was so full of happiness that it made me feel sad.
“Perhaps, we might be able to live just with my income.” She chuckled.
“Right.”
She was laughing. The vibration traveled through my body. However, it was lasting too long. I pulled my body a bit away from hers, and took a look at her. She was not laughing. Instead, she was crying.
She saw the same scenery as what I saw, I thought.
“What’s wrong with you?” I asked.
She did not answer. She buried her face against my chest and kept crying in the tunnel of the blanket. It was so thin that the light penetrated it slightly. The color of the blanket was orange. It was not too warm, though.
In this situation, I probably needed to think a bit about the reason why she was feeling sad. However, it was not that her sadness would diminish, just by discovering the reason for it. If I came to know it, I doubted I could alleviate her sorrows.
Then, I recalled the story when she was a little girl. Whether it was a real account or not was not essential to me. At least, she wanted to tell me such a thing in the past. She probably wanted me to understand that she had her own history. I did not have such a thing. I hardly told others about the story when I was a little boy. I occasionally was reminded of fragments from the past. But, I recalled them, not because I wanted to or tried to do so. If anything, I thought the memories should have vanished completely. I wish I had only the present and could think solely about it. As for the future, I only needed tomorrow and the day after tomorrow at most.
“I wonder what is wrong with me.” She murmured, while crying. It sounded as if she was also laughing. “You know, I have hardly cried. It’s weird ...”
I wanted to smoke. But we didn’t have any cigarette.
The news was broadcast on the television. I let my head stick out of the blanket, because it was news about the war. I saw recorded footage in which a fighter aircraft was taking off from the aircraft carrier. Then, a two-colored arrow was shown on a map.
Oh, just like that, we become arrows, I realized. Another arrow in different colors was shown. The coordinate at which the arrows on both sides collide with each other will become the dance hall for them to have a lot of fun.
That news ended in no time. Another report took over. An election being held somewhere. Then, the topic about a strike. On the television, people were shouting while holding microphones in their hands.
She was having her head out of the blanket, too. She was no longer crying.
“Sorry, are you angry?”
“Not at all.”
“Do you want to get on an aircraft?”
“Yeah.”
“Don’t you feel sad?”
“Why do I feel sad?”
“Umm, I wonder what you feel in the sky, above the clouds. Is it amazingly spacious?”
“It is.”
“You are alone in such a place, aren’t you?”
“But, I usually fly with someone else.”
“Still, you fly alone at times, don’t you?”
“Yes. If my consort plane is shot down, then I come back to the airbase alone.”
“Don’t you feel sad in that occasion?”
“Why?”
“If I become alone, I will feel sad, definitely.”
“Wouldn’t that be okay if you feel sad?”
“Not okay.”
“Is that really so?”
“You know, that makes me want to cry.”
“I think it is okay for you to cry.”
“If I cry, I will become even sadder. Sadder and sadder.”
“If you become sad, what is wrong with that?”
“I would feel like dying.”
“Is there anything wrong with your dying?”
“Well, death is forbidden. That is absolutely forbidden.” She said. Her statement was slightly boosted with the ring of emphasis.
“Why do you say that?”
“I am not sure. But, I think that death is never the option. It would be disrespectful to God.”
“You owe God something, don’t you.”
“Of course, I do.” While hugging me, she confessed. She seemed to have gotten back to be in the good mood already, and her voice regained the vitality. “In the first place, we were born to this world, thanks to God, right? Anyone owes it to God.”
“You are telling me that we are borrowing our lives from God, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, right. That’s what I mean.”
“If so, I think you can return it to God with your death.”
“What?”
“We have to return what we have borrowed to the owner someday.”
“Umm, do you think so ...? Oh? But, is it not rude if I return what I have borrowed without my using it well?”
“It might be better than keeping it for an extended period of time without doing anything with it.”
“Hmm, about it, you may be right.” She chuckled. “Oh, I get it. If you return it too soon, a demon may rob you of it.”
“Does it think that it can still use your young life?”
“Yeah, yeah. Right. So, we have to overuse it to the level that the demon does not want it anymore.”
“Oh, I see.”
“That’s a good idea.”
“Indeed.”
“Hey, don’t you want alcohol or a cigarette?”
“Yes. Do you want me to buy them?”
“I will go shopping.”
“No, I will. I can get dressed more quickly.”
She laughed again.
“Funny. I am surprised that I can laugh this much without alcohol.”
“Incidentally, I will call the company on the phone once.” I got up. “Is it okay?”
“Why do you ask me?”
“Because I have to borrow money from you.”
“Ah, I see. Go ahead. You can bring my wallet itself in that bag.”
“If you allow me to do so, then I might not come back. I may be thinking of running away with your car.”
“How can I possibly think that you would do such a thing?” She got up, and stared at me. “And then, it may not be a bad idea for me to be deceived for the first time since a long time ago. I actually experienced that sort of thing in the past, although it was just once.”
“Were you cheated?”
“Yeah, but the memory ...” She showed me a smile. “It was the happiest memory ... Just by recalling it, I find myself laughing. So, I want to be deceived just once more ... Oh, the car key is in the bag, too.”
“I believe I will find cigarettes and a phone within walking distance. I do not need the car key.”
I picked up several coins from her bag. I put on a jacket and left the room. The sky was clear enough for me to see the stars. The air was chillier than expected, although it was not yet 20:00.
When I got onto the pavement from the motel’s parking lot, I started thinking that I was actually the very person who was being deceived, and she and her car might disappear before I come back to the room. Perhaps, I might have been craving for that situation.
-6-