But I want first of all – in fact, as an end to these other desires – to be at peace with myself. I want a singleness of eye, a purity of intention, a central core to my life that will enable me to carry out these obligations and activities as well as I can. I want, in fact – to borrow from the language of the saints – to live in grace as much of the time as possible.
This excerpt is from Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh
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The medical facility, or sanatorium, was a room for six people and the inpatients were mostly young ones. Among them, I and another one were the only those who could speak to each other. I was the only one who could walk. Naturally, both I and that other one hardly spoke and the silence always prevailed in the room. I heard only the sound of someone moving a part of his body.
I was discharged in about a week and assigned to an institution referred to as a laboratory. My duty was to test an apparatus that had been developed. Still, I was not a test pilot, who was allowed to get on an aircraft. With tapes and sensors attached to my body, I repeated tasks of watching moving images on a screen and operating switches.
My favorite time that I spent here was to run on a belt conveyor mounted on a machine. I exercised while getting my heartbeats and breathing measured. At first, I used the machine to measure the health readings. Later, I got permission to use it for a training purpose. It was because I was not allowed to get out of the building.
My private room was also in the same building and I could see only a courtyard through the window. But, when I opened the window, I could always hear the sound of multiple automobiles. I guess there are roads with heavy traffic. This place might be in the middle of a town. I did not know where I was, because I was brought here by car, from which I could not see outside. I might be looking like a prisoner, I thought. There seemed to be several persons like me. However, I had never had an opportunity to talk with any one of them.
Most parts of my private hours were used for reading slightly old magazines. At times, a cardboard box filled with many magazines was delivered to my room. I took them out one by one and put them on the floor while checking the contents and dividing them roughly into three groups: interesting ones, not-so interesting ones, and the ones I would not likely read. After being done with it, I packed the cardboard box with magazines I had already read. There was always no magazine I wanted to keep in my room. Many of the magazines had already been published half a year or so in advance.
The cardboard box was delivered every two or three weeks. At the fourth time, I found the photograph of Suito Kusanagi in a women’s magazine. Without it, I would have put it into the group of magazines that I would never read. The size of the article occupied about one-fourth of the page. The photograph was even smaller and was in black and white. It was her profile, and she was not showing the smile, as usual. She was wearing a military service cap. Judging from the short hair, I thought it was the photograph taken a long time ago. It was an article about a ceremony to celebrate the anniversary of the foundation of our headquarters. It described an acrobatic flight Kusanagi executed during the event. I remembered it because back then I flew with her to the city, in which our headquarters was located. I could even imagine the pictures of her flight pattern in my mind. But her flight itself was not minutely described in the article. It only mentioned that Captain Kusanagi did not appear at the party. Which meant that the photograph was taken in another occasion.
I decided to clip out the article. I had never done such a thing. I was doing it for the first time. I removed a razor blade from a shaver, and cut out about one-fourth of the page with it clearly.
I thought of where I should store the paper which I had just clipped out. Should I sandwich it between the pages of a book? But I did not have a book. My only belongings were clothing. Moreover, I might be moved to another location sometime in the near future, just like I had experienced.
Oh, I have a license card. I was putting the card into the thin card case, and wore it around my neck, along with my identification tag. It occurred to me that this card case was suitable for putting the cutout. I could carry it at any time. I folded the article while being careful not to make a crease on the photograph, and put it inside the card case.
The premonition that I would never see Suito Kusanagi again had become the reality. I had not had even an opportunity to talk with her by phone. I was always under surveillance here and could not take a day off. I could not get out of the building. When I asked them how long I had to stay here, the answer they provided was “a little more while”. Still, it was not so shocking to me, because I was not forced to do undesirable duties. If anything, it was too easy. It was so leisurely that I started worrying about the decline of my physical ability. It might be the most relaxing time that I had ever experienced in my life.
It was irritating for me not to pilot an aircraft, of course. At the same time, I gradually came to understand how much the situation with no danger of my life could make me relax.
Anyway, I had been very calm in those days. I hardly thought about unpleasant things. I had a dream less often than before. I had a sound sleep during the night. The comfortableness was what I felt when I was wrapped in a blanket. I felt that the photograph in a calendar on a wall in the laboratory was funny. It was the picture in which children were running toward me, and their expressions were very heartwarming. Each time I looked at it, even I could smile as I liked. How mysterious it is. Maybe, I was like them when in my childhood, I thought. I grew up while being loved, adored, and indulged by my parents. Since I had almost no friend at school, I could hardly wait to go back home. My mother came to get me. Seeing my mother’s smile was my pleasure. I thought I went to school just because my mother was glad if I did so.
When I told my mother that I would become an aircraft pilot, she totally objected to the idea. It was the only occasion in which I went against my mother. However, it appeared to be attractive for me to that extent. Actually, it was far better than I had imagined. The best job for me. I was truly glad to have found the way of living.