A memory resurfaced of the words I’d casually, carelessly spoken to Makina on the day we reunited: “You really did become an idol in the end, huh, Makimaki?” Maybe that was the moment she’d realized I barely knew about her achievements as Maki Amagi at all. She’d been working her hardest for years, all for my sake, and yet I’d let all her efforts fly over my head. I hadn’t watched her—or even noticed her.
She hadn’t gotten angry at me in a way that I could tell. She’d responded to my clueless layman’s remark with a smile. That, I knew with certainty, had been an act of kindness on her part. She was forgiving enough to overlook my complete lack of tact. But...that didn’t mean that my words hadn’t had an effect on her. It didn’t mean they hadn’t bothered her at all.
“I wanted to sing in front of you, and I wanted you to praise me for it. I wanted you to say that I’d worked hard—that I was talented and amazing. More than anyone else, you’re the one I’ve always wanted to acknowledge me now that I’m an idol.”
Each word drove a blade into my chest. My thoughtlessness had hurt her deeply, and that pain was directly linked to her current suffering. I felt like an idiot for thinking that I could comfort her—that there was something I could do to support her. How could I, when I’d been the one causing her all that pain in the first place? Wasn’t all of this my fault, from start to finish?
“No...”
“Huh?” I grunted.
Makina shook her head. “I didn’t mean to say any of this to you. I didn’t mean to whine to you like a stupid, selfish, embarrassing little brat.”
“But if you didn’t tell me, how would we—”
“No, no—you don’t get it. It’s already over. You already saved me.”
“I... What?”
A smile spread across Makina’s tearstained face. A warm, contented smile.
“You cheered for me, didn’t you...? You called my name.”
Of course I had. It was the least I could have done. After everything that had happened between us...
“That’s all I needed. It made me so happy, nothing else seemed to matter anymore. It’s actually ridiculous how stupidly happy it made me... Just like that, the most painful performance I’d ever been a part of became the happiest moment of my lifetime.”
“Makina...”
“And that’s why...I was finally able to put it all to rest.”
“Put it to rest”...?
“After everything was over—I guess I can just say ‘last night,’ actually—I talked with Mio again. She told me that she’d wait for me. She’d never really complimented me to my face like that before, you know? Not even once. Neither of us could ever be honest with each other...but it feels like, for the first time, she finally saw me for who I am.”
Makina’s voice was bright and clear. I, meanwhile, was bewildered. I was the one who’d made her suffer...but at the same time, she claimed that I was the one who’d freed her from that suffering. Nothing about how she’d said it seemed fake—not her words, and not the smile she’d worn as she said them.
But if all that was true...then why had she looked so sad when I first arrived in the classroom? Why had she been avoiding me?
“Put what to rest...?” I asked.
The smile on her face felt feeble. It was the sort of kindhearted smile that you’d wear to cover up the pain you were feeling—in other words, a smile that proved she was still in pain.
“I love you, Yotsy,” said Makina, her smile never shifting. “To me, you’ve always been light itself. I always believed that if you went away, I wouldn’t be able to live on...but that wasn’t the half of it. Performing for you made me realize that I love you even more than I ever knew. And so...”
Makina paused to wipe away her tears.
“And so, I had to put it all to rest. I had to take some time to sort out my feelings before I could give up on you.”
With that, she let go of my hand.
“Wha... What are you...?”
“I told you, didn’t I? I made a bet with Yuna and Rinka, with my feelings for you on the line. And once it was all over...there was no question whatsoever who had won. Those two believed in you from the very start to the very end. They love you in an even deeper, more profound way than I do. I let my doubts get the better of me and put on a pathetic excuse for a performance until the moment you called my name—and that means I lost.”
Makina admitted her defeat with grace and dignity. She spoke so plainly, it felt like she was reciting words from a script she’d read so many times, she’d memorized it by rote.
“I went around the festival with some people from our class today,” Makina continued. “They invited me. I would’ve preferred to look around with you, really... Hee hee! Of course, I couldn’t, right? But in the end, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I was so preoccupied that I can’t even remember any of the things I saw and did.”
A change had come over Makina. She was almost acting like she had when we first reunited near the end of summer...but no, that wasn’t quite right. The polite, affable, but entirely forced smile on her face was like nothing I’d seen from her before. It was like she’d turned into a totally different person.
“Thanks to that, I ended up dragging things out until now without ever really accepting how it had to be...but it’s the strangest thing. Now that I’ve told you everything, I feel so much...lighter. Who knew? At long last, it feels like I can finally give up on you. Thank you for everything.”
Those, it seemed, were meant to be her parting words. Her smile never slipped as she stood up from her desk.
“Goodbye, Yotsy. Whatever happens, I hope you’ll be happy.”
And then she walked away. I was certain that once she passed by me, she’d keep going without ever looking back.
“I love you, Yotsy.”
Barely a moment had passed since she’d said those words to me. Was this really how she meant for it to end? Would she really put a lid on those feelings and stow them away for good?
Maybe that was the right thing for her to do. Those feelings were where all of this had started. I hadn’t known about them, and by the time we were reunited, I was already taken. Keeping her feelings for me alive and well, even when she knew I loved someone else, couldn’t possibly have been easy. Maybe it would have been better for everyone if she’d given up and gone out to look for some other fish in the sea.
I had no right to say anything to her. I was in no position to criticize her at all, and I knew it very well.
And yet...!
“Makina!” I shouted. “Let me ask just one thing.”
By the time I raised my voice, Makina’s hand was already resting on the classroom’s door. I thought she’d open it up and walk away...but she didn’t. She stopped, standing stock-still.
“What is it?” Makina asked. Her hand was still on the door, and she didn’t turn to look back at me. There wasn’t a trace of emotion to be heard in her voice, but I was just happy that she hadn’t ignored me entirely. Maybe that happiness was part of why I suddenly felt much more positive than when I’d first spoken up...and why I was able to ask her the worst, most unfair question possible.
“Will this make you happy, Makina?”
“What...?”
I heard a clatter as the door shuddered. There could hardly have been a clearer sign of how shaken she was.
“Why would...you even ask that?” Makina asked.
“Because you’re lying to me,” I said.
“N-No, I am not!”
“Then look me in the eye and say it again. Say that you don’t love me anymore. Say that you’ve given up on me!”
I really was the worst. I was toying with her feelings, and I knew it—but I still had to ask. I had to be sure. I knew that if I didn’t—if I kicked the problem down the road again, taking refuge in ambiguity...it would mean the end for us. We’d no longer be anything to each other—not even childhood friends.
I walked over to Makina and took her hand in mine once again. Makina’s shoulders shuddered, but she didn’t shake me off. Instead, she slowly turned to face me.
“Yotsy...”
Our gazes met—and instantly, the mask she’d been wearing fell away from her face, revealing the Makina I knew once more.
“Why won’t you let me go...? Don’t you understand? You won’t ever love me, so...so why?!”
“It’s not like that,” I said. “You have it all wrong.”
“Do I?! How?! You’re not— You won’t...!”
“I do love you, Makina! Maybe not in exactly the way you wished I would...but that doesn’t mean you’re not important to me! It doesn’t mean I don’t want you to be happy, from the bottom of my heart!”
I was an idiot. What was right and what was wrong were just two of the many, many things I didn’t understand. There was one thing, however, that I understood with absolute clarity: If I let Makina leave, both of us would come to regret it.
“Yes, I’m already in a relationship. I may be a dirty cheater, but I still can’t bring myself to betray Yuna and Rinka,” I said.
“So then—”
“But I know we don’t have to be dating to stay together! There has to be a way!” I shouted. My emotions were overflowing...and before I knew it, I’d thrown my arms around her. “We can still love each other in our own ways, and still be happy. It may take time, but someday, it’ll happen... I’m sure of it. It has to be true. It’d be just...way too sad if it wasn’t.”
“What do you mean ‘sad’...?”
“Well, come on! We just reunited, didn’t we?! Back when you went away, I thought I’d never see you again, but you came to find me... And okay, yes, I was pretty confused for all sorts of reasons, but I was still really happy, and it’s been just as fun as it’s been a problem to have you around! I’ve never, ever, even for a second wished that you hadn’t shown up again, and I’d be lonely if you left! I don’t want that! It’d be sad, and painful...just like it was the first time.”