I held Aul in my arms and looked down at my hand. It was wet with a mix of our blood. Fear and loss wrapped themselves around my heart and squeezed.
My unit was dead.
Aul was dead.
I alone had survived.
I felt overwhelmed by it all. That swirl of horrible emotions gave way to a pained and heartbroken scream.
✦ ✦ ✦
I gathered up the corpses of my fallen unit and took them home. I was not going to leave them to become monster feed, and as their leader, it was my responsibility to see them to their families in the Llinger Kingdom.
The news of my return and the loss of my entire unit sent waves of worry and commotion through the kingdom. I didn’t care for any of it. I reported to King Lloyd about the potential resurrection of the Demon Lord, then I resigned from my position as if I were fleeing it.
I couldn’t bear it any longer. I couldn’t stand myself.
I wanted nothing more than for the families of those knights to shower me with their fury and resentment. And yet, I received not a single word of criticism. Instead, they thanked me for bringing back the bodies of the fallen. They told me how happy the knights were to serve under my command.
Every word of gratitude was like a dagger in my heart.
One month passed. I spent it all by myself in the lodgings where I had lived with my unit. I sat in a corner of the room I called my own quarters thinking about them and blaming myself for what happened. I did this for days, weeks.
I put a hand to the bandage covering my right eye and I replayed Aul’s death over and over in my mind. I could have healed my eye. I had healed my left hand, after all. But my eye I left scarred. It was proof of my crimes—a reminder that I had let my unit die—a way for me to ensure that I never forgot any of them.
Over the course of a month, many people visited. My fellow knights. Lieutenant Colonel Siglis. The General. Even the king himself had made an appearance. None of them had asked me to return, however. Rather, it seemed to me they came to ensure I did not follow my unit into the afterlife.
“Which I suppose,” I muttered, “is one option.”
Death.
I had let my own unit perish. I alone had survived. Death was, in some ways, a fitting end. I let out a husky chuckle at the thought. I knew that choosing death was the same as running away. None of the unit would have wanted me to end my own life as a form of repentance. Aul had saved my life. I could not let her actions be for nothing.
“But how should I live?”
I had nothing to live for. How was I to use my life? How could I atone for the knights I had lost? I searched for answers, but in the end, I had nothing. I did not have it in me to return and command another unit. I did not think I could ever wield my powers for the sake of war. Not anymore.
“Revenge, then?” I asked myself.
All that I had left were the feelings of rage and murder that I pushed deep into the recesses of my heart.
Nero Argens. A demon who had escaped before I could land a killing blow. Slaying him would avenge the fallen.
So should I march into the belly of the beast to find and kill him?
I knew that if I did, I would be outnumbered. In the end, death was almost inevitable.
But I would go down fighting and would take demons with me.
“No, don’t be stupid.”
All that would make me was a murderer. Thoughts of revenge clouded my mind, and I couldn’t think straight, so I punched myself in the forehead.
“I need to cool down.”
As the pain throbbed through me, I felt myself returning to normal. I heaved a great sigh, stood up, and went to the dining hall. I washed my face, not caring about the water soaking into my bandage. It was like ice. It felt like a mist was clearing in my mind. I dried my face and took a seat at the empty table. My thoughts swirled with memories.
The dining hall was empty, but once, not so long ago, it had always been packed. My knights were idiots who had laughed loudly and were rowdy. They were honest to a fault. When I looked back, it struck me that we’d had a lot of good times together. They’d annoyed me and they’d frustrated me, but I missed their shenanigans now that they were gone.
I chuckled at myself. I was so pitiful. Was I always so weak? So fragile? I had always believed myself to be strong. But just like that, I had crumbled to pieces. I felt like a joke. I thought myself a fool.
“What am I supposed to do?”
Throw it all away and choose death? Choose the path of vengeance?
Neither struck me as a worthwhile choice.
What would my unit think if they saw me now?
I knew that they’d be angry. They might even be sad.
“Please, go on. Be the woman we all look up to.”
Aul’s last words echoed through my mind. I thought about them, over and over, and it dawned on me that I was a far cry from the captain that they had all once looked up to.
What would they say if they saw me now?
“They’d laugh at me.”
They’d laugh like idiots. They’d say it wasn’t like me to worry so much. I knew that was exactly what they’d say. But I’d forgotten because when they left it was only their deaths that I could remember. My trusted unit had always been positive. They wouldn’t have lingered on their past regrets. They would have kept their eyes ahead, on the future, and would have run for it at a full sprint.
That’s who they were, each and every one of them.
My eye clouded with tears.
This is the last time I show such weakness. So please, forgive me this once, or I won’t be able to go on.
It was like I could hear them, then, calling to me.
“Captain.”
It was nothing, but still it brought a smile to my face. I rubbed at my eyes and tore the bandage from my face.
“I’m going to be fine,” I whispered as I headed for the door.
I knew what I was going to do.
I was going to be the woman that they all looked up to.
I would live in a way that was worthy of their sacrifices. They had saved me. So I would live as they wanted me to.
“And I know just how to do it.”
I would build a team that saved lives. I knew now of the constant threat of death. I knew the sadness that came with it. My new team would not let more death come to pass. Even though the team didn’t have a name yet, I knew that it would be of huge importance.
War was coming. If Nero was telling the truth, then the Demon Lord was going to awaken. That powerful force that had tyrannized humanity until he was felled by the hero was going to return. Humanity was once more in danger.
If war came to our lands again, then our knights would have to fight, and many would die. But I would work to ensure that they didn’t. I would save the injured and the wounded. I would make sure that nobody suffered the same heartbreak that I did.
“But I’ll need help.”
I would need at least five people and at least two healers.
“And one just like me.”
I would need a healer who could do his job as he moved and fought, just like me. It didn’t matter how strong a person was, if they could not move then they could not save lives. So I needed a healer built from the same stuff as me. Someone who didn’t just heal but could navigate a battlefield and destroy any obstacles that stood in his way.
“But does such a person exist?”
In the past, I’d met healers who had come from other countries to become my disciples. I had tried to teach them, but they had all given up after just one day. To enter into my world required extraordinary fortitude of mind. Physical strength wasn’t what mattered. What mattered was an unbreakable spirit, no matter the circumstances.
A spirit like Aul’s.
“A healer just like me, huh?”
A strong body and healing powers made one almost indestructible. Such a healer could endure and survive my training. As long as they were like me, they would not perish.
I do not want to lose another person like that ever again.
“Then I just need to find a disciple.”
But for the time being I let the thought slip from my mind, opened the door, and walked outside.