My heart was pounding in my chest like a stranger at the door.
Thump, thump, thump, thump.
The other boys in my class were already taking off their clothes. Everyone was so excited for our first pool day of the year. Everyone except for me. I could feel the air in the classroom getting thinner, as it slowly got harder to breathe. I could feel the sandwich my mom had made me for breakfast churning around and around inside my stomach. Some kind of fear and shame I’d never felt before was tying my intestines up in knots.
Why now? I’d been just fine with it last year, hadn’t I? Hadn’t I been relieved when they told us we’d be changing in separate rooms from now on? Hadn’t I told myself this would be better, since it meant I wouldn’t have to get naked in front of the girls anymore?
Every cell in my entire body was screaming at me, You don’t belong here!
I wanted to run away and hide. But I couldn’t move a muscle. And even if I could, where was I supposed to go? I still had to get in the pool. I didn’t have a doctor’s note or anything. If I said I needed to sit out, the PE teacher was just going to yell at me. He’d tell me to stop being such a baby and go get changed already—right in front of everybody.
I didn’t know what to do.
I didn’t want to take off my clothes.
I didn’t want the other boys to look at me.
How did everyone else make it look so easy?
I felt sick. Nauseous. I knew I didn’t belong here.
But then, where did I belong? Could anyone tell me?
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe.
“Hey, are you okay?”
One of the few other kids who hadn’t started changing yet walked over to where I was standing. I knew this boy; his name was Sakuma. We’d gone to the same kindergarten but never really talked to each other before. Yet he seemed worried about me.
“You don’t look so good,” he said. “Does your tummy hurt or something?”
And just then, through the storm clouds, I saw a single glimmer of hope.
I nodded.
“Was it something you ate?” he asked. “We’d better get you to the nurse’s office.”
Sakuma took me by the hand and dragged me out of the classroom. As soon as we made it into the hallway, it was like I could finally breathe again—and that nauseous, suffocating anxiety that had taken hold of my insides released its grip as well.
I couldn’t believe it. How had he broken me out of it so easily?
It felt like it had to be some kind of magic.
“Um, h-hey…” I said. “Sakuma-kun?”
“Hm? Yeah, what’s up?” he asked.
“I just…wanted to say thank you…”
Sakuma looked at me and grinned. “Aw, don’t sweat it!” he exclaimed. His voice was loud enough not just to startle me but to drown out the voices in my head that were insisting I didn’t belong here.
Wow… What a nice person.
As we took off running down the hall, I could feel the warmth of his hand in mine. His palm was a little bit sweaty, but his grip was firm. More than anything, though, there was a tenderness to it that made me feel completely safe and reassured.
He was a faster runner than me. So fast, it was hard to keep up.
But all I could do was hold on tight to that hand.
And hope it never let me go.