This wasn’t my ideal scenario for enjoying a game of cards either, so I couldn’t blame her for feeling a little on edge… But even taking that into account, she was being awfully quiet. And I still didn’t understand why she was letting Sera overstay his welcome either, or what point there was to us losing these last few rounds on purpose. Right now, she almost felt more inscrutable to me than Sera…not that it mattered, I guess. She could always explain her rationale to me after he was gone.
“So what were you two like in junior high?” asked Sera. “It’s not fair for me to be the only one doing all the sharing here.”
“That was your choice,” I replied. “We don’t have to tell you a damn thing.”
“Jeez, you’re so cruel to me sometimes… And here I’m just trying to help us get to know each other a little better.”
Despite his muttering and complaining, Sera kept on throwing down his cards all the same. This time around, there was basically no action or tension whatsoever, and he easily emptied his hand before either of us even got close.
“Sweet, looks like I win again,” he said. “Feels good to be on top at the very end.”
Okay, nice. Now that Sera was out of the way, we didn’t have to worry about losing on purpose anymore. I checked my hand to reconsider my strategy, only to be reminded that I’d already used up all of my good cards in the first few turns. Chances were I’d lose no matter what, so maybe there was no point in trying to win second place after all. I decided to play whatever cards felt natural instead.
As soon as I relaxed my guard, I felt an immense wave of fatigue wash over me. Ugh, I’m beat… The second we were done here, I needed to head back to my room and rest up for our skiing lessons tomorrow.
“Wait, what the…?”
Before I knew it, I’d played my last card—which put me in second place, and Ushio in last. But how could that be, when I had only terrible cards remaining? Had Ushio’s hand really been that much more unlucky than mine this round? Not that it mattered, I supposed.
“All right, Ushio,” I said. “Secret time.”
“I know,” she said, nodding readily.
I was a little curious to hear what she might say, but I knew there was no way she’d actually reveal anything of substance, so I wasn’t all that invested. I was merely glad to be done with this stupid card game, I thought to myself as I stifled a yawn.
“I don’t think I can keep doing this much longer,” Ushio said softly.
This was her secret: a vaguely worded confession that lacked even a concrete subject. And yet, it was that very abstract nature that made it feel that much more like a genuine secret. After all, if it were nothing but a lie, there’d be no need for obfuscation.
“I don’t think I can keep doing this much longer.”
What was “this”? And why couldn’t she keep doing it?
Ushio let out a short sigh, then looked up at Sera. “All right, I think we’d better call it a night. It’s almost lights-out, and the teachers will be coming by to do their evening rounds soon.”
“Yeah, good point,” said Sera. “Really wish we could keep playing, but I guess that’s all we have time for today. Oh well!”
Sera gathered up his cards and slid off the bed. He was being uncharacteristically obedient, even considering that it was, in fact, time for us to leave. I was a little put off by this, but not so much that I felt compelled to call him out for acting strange. Ushio walked us out into the hallway, and we each said good night—but before Ushio closed the door behind me, I spun back around and slid my foot in the doorway.
“Whoa!” said Ushio. “Jeez, don’t startle me like that…”
“Sorry,” I said. “I just wanted to ask you something really quick.”
I glanced back over my shoulder to make sure Sera wasn’t loitering around, but it seemed the coast was clear. Okay, good. It was probably safe to state my business right here in the hallway, then.
“That secret of yours just now,” I said. “What was that all about?”
“Oh, right… That…” Ushio scratched her head uncomfortably, as though I was putting her in an awkward position. “Don’t worry about it. It was just something I came up with on the spot.”
“Y-you sure? Well, if you say so…”
“Was that all you wanted to ask me?”
“Er, yeah… I think that’s it.”
“Gotcha. See you tomorrow, then.”
“Yeah, g’night…”
And with that, Ushio shut the door.
I wasn’t satisfied with this explanation at all. Why would her first thought be to say something so vaguely ominous? Even assuming it was something she’d tossed out on a whim, there had to be a reason for it. Like, maybe she felt unhappy with her current state of affairs in some way. I couldn’t fathom why her brain would immediately jump to that unless there was a kernel of truth to it.
Either way, her answer didn’t sit right with me—and it hit me that I’d also forgotten to ask why she agreed to keep playing cards with him in the first place. Maybe I could ask her about it again tomorrow? Though I really didn’t want to pry or nitpick with her when we were supposed to be enjoying our class trip either.
“Kamiki.”
“Whoa!”
I whirled around to find Ms. Iyo standing directly behind me with her hands on her hips and a stern look on her face. I could already tell I was in for a lecture.
“It’s almost time for lights-out,” she said. “You’d better hurry up and get back to your own room, if you know what’s good for you.”
“Y-yes, ma’am,” I said. “Right away, ma’am…”
I breathed a sigh of relief; this wasn’t anywhere near as severe a reprimand as I’d been expecting. Yet as I turned on my heel to leave, she called after me once again.
“Oh, and Kamiki…were you in Ushio’s room just now?”
I wasn’t sure if I should answer honestly. Obviously, it was totally allowed to visit the hotel rooms of other students staying on the same floor as you—but Ushio was a bit of a special case, since she was staying on the boys’ floor despite being a girl. Would Ms. Iyo suspect us of engaging in indecent activities if I admitted it?!
“Wh-why, I’m afraid I haven’t any idea what you mean, Ms. Iyo,” I said.
“You’re a terrible liar, Kamiki. Don’t worry—you’re not in trouble or anything. I was merely curious, that’s all.”
“Oh, okay… Then yes, I was visiting her. But we were only playing cards, not getting up to anything scandalous or whatever.”
“No need to answer questions I didn’t ask, but thank you for clarifying, I suppose.” She sighed, then her gaze softened as she offered me a faint smile. “I was going to say that I hope she’s making the most of her class trip, since it’s a once-in-a-lifetime experience she’ll always look back on and want to remember fondly… But it sounds like she’s been really enjoying herself so far. That’s a relief.”
I could hear a hint of exhaustion in Ms. Iyo’s voice.
It was true that there was a lot of pressure associated with this “once-in-a-lifetime experience.” She had to be pretty stressed out right now, just from running around and trying to keep tabs on all her students to make sure that they were doing okay and there weren’t any incidents. It was no small feat to take several dozen rowdy teenagers at the height of puberty on a trip all the way across the country, then bring them back home safe and sound. I had a hell of a lot of respect and sympathy for any high school teacher who had to deal with that.
“There are three days of the trip left to go, though,” she said. “I hope you’ll continue to make as many positive memories with her as you possibly can.”
“You bet,” I replied. “Hope you get to take a breather at some point too, Ms. Iyo.”
“Oh, you don’t have to worry about me, silly. This is my job, remember? Now, go on! Off to bed with you!”
“Okay, good night.” I gave her a small bow as I turned and headed back to my room.
Perhaps I would be well served to take Ms. Iyo’s words to heart; this was my one and only high school class trip, so I had to enjoy it while it lasted. It would be a real shame to waste it worrying myself sick over imagined problems. I needed to make a clean break from these pessimistic thoughts and focus on having fun here in Hokkaido. And perhaps most importantly, I needed to get some sleep.
When I got back to my room, I found Hasumi lying on his side and playing around on his cell phone. I walked straight past him and plopped down on my bed, then clutched my head in my hands.
“Ugh, see… It’s the same thing all over again,” I groaned.
“Sorry, what?”
I’d realized something on my way down the hallway. These past six months or so, it felt like I’d been trapped in a cyclical pattern I couldn’t escape: First, something bad or at least concerning would happen. Then, I’d stress myself out about it. After that, I’d tell myself to stop being so pessimistic and try to think positively about it. And finally, I’d fail miserably and end up stressing myself out even more. Rinse and repeat at least once or twice per month.
The exact same thing was about to happen here. There was no way I could simply shrug this off and forget about it. Here I thought I’d actually overcome the worst of my worrywart tendencies, but it seemed I was sorely mistaken. I was a chronic overthinker by nature—something I’d grown to accept, but it still wasn’t an easy condition to live with.
“Not like I can even do anything about it either,” I mumbled.
“Dude, you’re talking to yourself again…”
I lay flat on my bed; I’d already brushed my teeth, so all that remained was for me to drift off to sleep. I plugged my phone in to charge and turned to look at Hasumi.
“Think I’m gonna hit the hay here pretty soon,” I said.
“Y-yeah, sure. Go right ahead,” he replied. “Though I gotta ask, uh…do you always think out loud like that when you’re at home?”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“Damn… He doesn’t even realize it…”
“Pardon? Look, I’d love to stay up and chat, man—but I need to get some rest.”
I pulled my comforter up to my chin and gently closed my eyes.